I don't want to die but I just can't stop thinking about it.

Something broke inside of me. I was doing so well, getting so happy. I haven't cut in months and now all I can think about is cutting or drinking or jumping in front of cars. For the last three days I've sat by the road and counted the cars go back. Thirty-three is the car I would jump in front of. I count up to it, getting more and more tense and resisting the impulse to throw myself in front of it and then relaxing until it passes. At ninety-nine I'm allowed to leave but I don't. The next car to watch out for is number three hundred and thirty three. I'm allowed to leave on that one too but I also want to jump in front of that one. Today I got to six hundred and sixty six but I was still safe then.

I don't really know why I put that all down, I suppose because I can.

I think my results for year 12 come out tomorrow.

I want my razor soooooo badly but I feel like I

m too old for that shit now.

Bye.

Haha, I thought I was a mess yesterday. Let me regail you with the exciting events of today.

Last night I didn't sleep because I couldn't handle the idea of waking up so instead I watched One Tree Hill on my computer all night. At 6am the rest of the family got up because we had to go to my sisters calisthenics competition (s0 cute) and then my parents dropped me and my roomate home while the went to a family party. I had an hour nap and when I woke up one of my best mates was over to help me pick my Uni preferences (a point of much stress in my life) so we did. Afterwards he drove me down the street so I could pick up some caffine pills because I was having trouble staying alert and I still had homework to do. While I was chosing my preferences my roomate broke up with her boyfriend (again, very on/off relationship) but seemed fine. When I got home from the shops though, my nanna, pop, roomates boyfriend and roomates boyfriends friend were their trying to look after my roomate who had tried to kill herself (overdose) and who had sliced up her arms. Long story short I called the ambulance, rode with her and hung out at the hospital for 6 hours. She's still there. I wanted to stay but I have a massive SAC tomorrow that I cannot avoid.

On the only positive side I can think of at the moment: my friend who drove me down the street knew I wouldn't be home so he wrote a whole essay thats due tomorrow out for me. It's going to make writing my SAC so much easier <3

Henry Says: Why would you think otherwise?

I'm a bit of a mess right now. The most frustrating thing about it is that it's over something I've known for awhile but which has apparently just hit me.

In year 7 I made a friend. A massive step for me, especially back then. Anyways, this friend was like me, anxious, depressed and with a few self harm tendancies thrown in. We became close very quickly and I soon discovered that she was a big sharer (which still baffles me to this day) and loved to talk about her problems and such. She poured her soul into me and relunctantly (because I hadn't learnt better) I confided in her too.

Last year, in year 11, she had several boyfriend dramas, which I did my best to help her with, that all became too much and she overdosed at school (I think I talked about it in an earlier blog). I looked after her until the teachers took her away, I answered their questions and continued to go to school while everyone looked at me and knew what had happened. This was not easy, I did not cope well, but I was happy to suffer it because finally she was getting help. Then she got out, got a new boyfriend who she promised me would not be put ahead of our friendship like all the boyfriends before. Slowly she drifted away and no matter how hard I tried to reach out she was too busy. Now she's getting happy, which I'm really glad about, and I know it's selfish but I always thought that she would be there for me too.

I know this is all very whiney and selfish but I just feel so abandoned and stupid for expecting her to still care about me. It had always been about her and I'd deliberately kept it that way so why should I feel so awful that what I wanted has come true. She says she still cares and loves me but when I need a friend (whether I'll admit it or not) she isn't one of the people that reaches out to me, ever.

I have friends, beautiful amazing people who say they'll never abandon me, but so did she. I'm so scared that now that they're getting help for their issues they'll get better and not need me and leave.

How awful is that?!

Henry Says: You're broke

Things never stay okay for long. Everything falls apart. Everything goes to shit.

If my family doesn't get 2000 dollars by friday there is a very good chance that we would have to find somewhere else to live.

Poor E, when she started living with me I hoped we could give her some stability. I thought all this shit had finished years ago. I feel it again. The fear when the phone rings, lying about who is home and going to school everyday where almost no one knows how it is to not have enough money. To not pay the bills, shower in cold water, eat porriage for dinner everynight. I don't want to deal with this again.

I'm scared. I'm not sure if I can deal with this again.

Fingers crossed it will be okay.

I feel like I have pins and needles inb my feelings (if that makes sense). Like when it's numb but somehow still hurts at the same time. It isn't too bad though, the numb is enough to stop me freaking out. Had a fairly good night last night. Drinking with mates =] And I didn't wake up too bad either.

I was even a little productive this morning. I put some washing on and folded clothes. I even did the dishes. And now I'm doing some homework, like actually doing it.

Yesterday I had the first good day I've had in ages. It was...odd. I forgot what feeling excited and energetic felt like. It didn't last very long because all my friends were down and I just couldn't keep it going. It's alright though. I taste was nice, even if it's gone now.

I decided to give up smoking last night but now I want one lol. I don't think I can give up yet, it's my favourite alternative to cutting. Alwell, I don't have any anyway.

Thanks for reading. Hope you're well.

Henry Says: Well Done

Henry is proud of me. I did what he told me, I caved. Since I last posted things have been busy but since I can't be bothered going into detail I'll be brief.

My friend was kicked out of home and is now living with me. It took me a while to get used to never being alone but I like it now. She has issues as well so it's been interesting.

I've been rather self destructive the last few days, which is why Henry is so happy. I've been drinking everynight (which makes getting up for school or my sisters concerts a little difficult lol) I went camping where I got shit faced, high and lost my virginity to a guy I just met (and almost fucked some other guy but he was nervous/high and couldnt get it up).

I haven't been cutting funnily enough but I'm going to change that....right now.

Hope you're well. Bye.

Henry Says: Nothing

My mind is still. I'm floating. It's beautiful and terrifying, but most beauty is.

I'm at my Dad's house, in a different state than where I live. He works everyday. I'm alone, on a farm, in the middle of nowhere. There is so much temptation here. So many pills and knives, so many sharp little friends whispering at me from their homes. He wouldn't find me for hours, he isn't home to. Or I could jump, into the massive man made cliffs that the mines have produced. I think of my life in vague terms at the moment. So...insignificant. Everything is so very insignificant.

I tried to do some homeowork. Time's moving so slow.

My dad thinks that people who attempt suicide are weak and such. He walks around singing: If you're Raki and you know it suicide. He thinks it's funny. I wonder if he would if he actually knew me.

I haven't smoked in just under a week. Not really out of choice. I miss it.

Anyway, enough of me complaining. Hope everyone is well.

Henry Says: You're weak

I thought I didn't need this. I was fine. Everything was going to be fine. I knew I was lying to myself.

I wish I'd never been born.

Henry says: Stop trying

I'd hate to sound cliche but what's the point?

Henry Says: Thankyou

Someone told me a few days ago that you can't live for your friends but for yourself. So fuck it, if I don't have to live for them and I can't for me I'll die for myself. I'm sitting here at midnight, having just woken up, trying to reconcile the image of them having to deal with my death. They don't know a lot about me, but at the same time they know only a little less than me. I've spent so many years piling lies upon lies and now I'm not sure, I have images that I can't get rid of, that I can't remember, that I pray to whoever could be listening I made up.

I think I'm losing it. I'm afraid all the time again, I hate being in public, everyone is watching me. They hate me, they're judging me. Times's fucking up. Everythings fucking up and the scary thing is no one can help because I never let them. Everyone has their problems and I don't like to add mine on to theirs.

I want to go back to sleep but I can't and I'm supposed to learn this flute song to perform tomorrow but I slept all day and now it's night time and I can't play.

Well, enough of me bitching. I hope you're all well.

Henry Says: You're shit

Still haven't really studied for my Biology exam. I don't regret not giving a shit but I feel sad that I used to be so...good... at everything. I was listening to a song called perfect fit by the dresden dolls. The whole song is really relatable to me but the line: "Hello, I'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?" Kinda makes me want to cry lol.

I want to cut so bad but I told myself I wouldn't this week so I'm trying to ignore it. Wish me luck lol =]

Hope you're well.

p.s Sorry for the people who comment on mine I can't comment back, it's not working for some reason but I'm still reading =]

Henry Says: Study!

I have exams on Tuesday. I really should be studying right now but I don't feel like it so I'm downloading music instead. What's it matter if I fail it. I don't have any goals for after school. Making goals requires a commitment to living that I'm not happy to give. I just want to drink myself into oblivion.

I'm too shit to live.

On a positive side I'm dying my hair tomorrow. I love changing my hair. I'm either going to go black, red, or brown. It's somethong to look forward to =]

Hope you're all well <3

Henry Says: What now?

I'm tired. I'm not talking physically though I am that too. In my head I'm tired and in my heart. It sounds horrible but I'm just tired of having to think about other people all the time. To worry about how their feeling, to judge when it's time to do something. What I'm supposed to say. If I'm supposed to tell somebody. I wish I could ignore it but then who would be watching. So for now, as always, it doesn't matter that I want to kill myself or that I have more cuts than years I've been alive. It doesn't matter that I'm failing at life or that I can't breathe. I can't think about that, because all I can do is hope that somehow they make it through.

How much longer can it go like this? I don't want to keep trying.

Henry Says: Get a hold of yourself

For some unknown reason I'm so scared. I can't calm down, can't sit still. I think something really bad is going to happen. What if someone dies? But nothing bad will happen. Everything will be fine. The sun will come up tomorrow. The spiders will not lay eggs in my stomach. My friends will not kill themselves. No one will be murdered. No one is watching me.

Everything has gotten out of control and no one else seems to see it. Time keeps speeding up and all of a sudden it 3 hours later than I thought it was. Where did my three hours go?

I can't concentrate. My only refuge is the gym. Don't think just run. No need for smiles or lies. Don't look at the other people. They can't see you. You're invisible. I didn't binge today =] I was about to because I thought I was hungry but Henry informed me that I wasn't so I just ate a little bit. Enough to keep me going in the gym tomorrow morning.

It's hard to explain how my brain is working at the moment. The basic normal part is being normal. Like a mask on my brain no one can see the chaos inside. It's spinning and I want to get off.

Henry Says: It's coming

I feel like something bad is coming. Something bad is going to happen soon I can just tell. One of us will fall and the other three will come tumbling after.

My group of friends are kind of crazy. Most of us are depressed but three of my closest friends (and me) are higher up on the list of crazy and/or depressed than most of the others. This is important for you to know for the concept I'm trying to get across.

One wall by itself isn't very strong but four walls almost make a house. All the walls are crumbling under the pressure of having to stay upright though and it's only a matter of time before one of them cracks and when the first wall cracks the other three will lose their support and they wont be able to stay up anymore either. I feel like all the walls are getting so weak now and it's a race against time as to when it will happen. I don't want to be the first to fall.

I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something. I'm supposed to save them somehow because I can see what others can't. I feel like I have all the information in my head to fix all the bad things around me but everything is in the wrong order and upside down and right to left and I can't breathe anymore. My brain is like a massive puzzle and I just can't seem to put it back together. I used to be the one to save them. To tell the grownups when it had gone too far but we're supposed to be the grownups now.

I was thinking the other day about how easy it is to rationalise things in my head and how scary that makes the world. I can rationalise killing someone with enough thought. I can easily rationalise killing myself. But if I can what's to stop other people. What if I just leave my house and somebody kills me because they thought that I should die. That's the end for me. No more thought, no more feelings. Mostly that sounds like a blessing but the idea of not existing anymore is fucking terryfying, how could I ever have no sense of self.

Sorry for this epically long rant that might not make sense. Wish me luck for my SAC in 7 hours lol =S

Henry Says: You're fat

I haven't posted in ages. Unfortunately I have nothing of interest to say.
I joined a gym. I've been for an hour for the last three days. I want to go longer but I don't want people looking at me. I was dieting but I just ruined it with Indian food. Damn them and there delicious food lol. Alwell I'll start fresh and be better.

I need to do so much better.

Henry Says: You're Afraid

The most terrifying thing about looking for monsters under your bed is the possibility that one will be there. Fear follows me like a shadow. I am always afraid. Of spiders and the dark. That people don't need me. That life will lose the tiny bits of meaning that keep me here and that the world will no longer want me here.
When you're looking for something that frightens you you don't usually expect it to actually be there. You check the corners for spiders, under the bed for monsters and turn the light on when you hear a noise. It's not really because you think something is there but to reassure yourself that it was nothing, that the night makes noises.
But what if we turned on the light and there was someone there? What if there really was a monster when we check under the bed. Why check at all when the possibility of something being there is worse than the thought of it.

In reality, there can be a spider in my house as long as I can't see it.

Henry Says: You're Inadequate.

Henry has been horrible lately. He used to be my friend but for a few weeks he has done everything in his power to hurt me, to make me better. He tells me the truth when no one else will. He tells me when people hate me. He tells me when I've done the wrong thing. It's not his fault that he has to talk so much. He has to tell me because no one else will.

I don't understand all the things I'm supposed to. I was always told I had Potential and then, after a few years, I was told that I was wasting this Potential. Like I was doing it on purpose. That I had somehow found this mythical, capital lettered Potential and was dilly-dallying it out for my own unknown purposes.

I can't concentrate. None of my friends need me anymore. No one needs me. All those years of telling myself that I can't kill myself because people need me are almost over. I might be free soon. I don't see why it should matter to me anyway but it does. I mean if you look at it properly, I only need to deal with the guilt until I'm dead. Then nothing will matter anymore.