I don't want to die but I just can't stop thinking about it.

Something broke inside of me. I was doing so well, getting so happy. I haven't cut in months and now all I can think about is cutting or drinking or jumping in front of cars. For the last three days I've sat by the road and counted the cars go back. Thirty-three is the car I would jump in front of. I count up to it, getting more and more tense and resisting the impulse to throw myself in front of it and then relaxing until it passes. At ninety-nine I'm allowed to leave but I don't. The next car to watch out for is number three hundred and thirty three. I'm allowed to leave on that one too but I also want to jump in front of that one. Today I got to six hundred and sixty six but I was still safe then.

I don't really know why I put that all down, I suppose because I can.

I think my results for year 12 come out tomorrow.

I want my razor soooooo badly but I feel like I

m too old for that shit now.

Bye.

Haha, I thought I was a mess yesterday. Let me regail you with the exciting events of today.

Last night I didn't sleep because I couldn't handle the idea of waking up so instead I watched One Tree Hill on my computer all night. At 6am the rest of the family got up because we had to go to my sisters calisthenics competition (s0 cute) and then my parents dropped me and my roomate home while the went to a family party. I had an hour nap and when I woke up one of my best mates was over to help me pick my Uni preferences (a point of much stress in my life) so we did. Afterwards he drove me down the street so I could pick up some caffine pills because I was having trouble staying alert and I still had homework to do. While I was chosing my preferences my roomate broke up with her boyfriend (again, very on/off relationship) but seemed fine. When I got home from the shops though, my nanna, pop, roomates boyfriend and roomates boyfriends friend were their trying to look after my roomate who had tried to kill herself (overdose) and who had sliced up her arms. Long story short I called the ambulance, rode with her and hung out at the hospital for 6 hours. She's still there. I wanted to stay but I have a massive SAC tomorrow that I cannot avoid.

On the only positive side I can think of at the moment: my friend who drove me down the street knew I wouldn't be home so he wrote a whole essay thats due tomorrow out for me. It's going to make writing my SAC so much easier <3

Henry Says: Why would you think otherwise?

I'm a bit of a mess right now. The most frustrating thing about it is that it's over something I've known for awhile but which has apparently just hit me.

In year 7 I made a friend. A massive step for me, especially back then. Anyways, this friend was like me, anxious, depressed and with a few self harm tendancies thrown in. We became close very quickly and I soon discovered that she was a big sharer (which still baffles me to this day) and loved to talk about her problems and such. She poured her soul into me and relunctantly (because I hadn't learnt better) I confided in her too.

Last year, in year 11, she had several boyfriend dramas, which I did my best to help her with, that all became too much and she overdosed at school (I think I talked about it in an earlier blog). I looked after her until the teachers took her away, I answered their questions and continued to go to school while everyone looked at me and knew what had happened. This was not easy, I did not cope well, but I was happy to suffer it because finally she was getting help. Then she got out, got a new boyfriend who she promised me would not be put ahead of our friendship like all the boyfriends before. Slowly she drifted away and no matter how hard I tried to reach out she was too busy. Now she's getting happy, which I'm really glad about, and I know it's selfish but I always thought that she would be there for me too.

I know this is all very whiney and selfish but I just feel so abandoned and stupid for expecting her to still care about me. It had always been about her and I'd deliberately kept it that way so why should I feel so awful that what I wanted has come true. She says she still cares and loves me but when I need a friend (whether I'll admit it or not) she isn't one of the people that reaches out to me, ever.

I have friends, beautiful amazing people who say they'll never abandon me, but so did she. I'm so scared that now that they're getting help for their issues they'll get better and not need me and leave.

How awful is that?!

Henry Says: You're broke

Things never stay okay for long. Everything falls apart. Everything goes to shit.

If my family doesn't get 2000 dollars by friday there is a very good chance that we would have to find somewhere else to live.

Poor E, when she started living with me I hoped we could give her some stability. I thought all this shit had finished years ago. I feel it again. The fear when the phone rings, lying about who is home and going to school everyday where almost no one knows how it is to not have enough money. To not pay the bills, shower in cold water, eat porriage for dinner everynight. I don't want to deal with this again.

I'm scared. I'm not sure if I can deal with this again.

Fingers crossed it will be okay.

I feel like I have pins and needles inb my feelings (if that makes sense). Like when it's numb but somehow still hurts at the same time. It isn't too bad though, the numb is enough to stop me freaking out. Had a fairly good night last night. Drinking with mates =] And I didn't wake up too bad either.

I was even a little productive this morning. I put some washing on and folded clothes. I even did the dishes. And now I'm doing some homework, like actually doing it.

Yesterday I had the first good day I've had in ages. It was...odd. I forgot what feeling excited and energetic felt like. It didn't last very long because all my friends were down and I just couldn't keep it going. It's alright though. I taste was nice, even if it's gone now.

I decided to give up smoking last night but now I want one lol. I don't think I can give up yet, it's my favourite alternative to cutting. Alwell, I don't have any anyway.

Thanks for reading. Hope you're well.

Henry Says: Well Done

Henry is proud of me. I did what he told me, I caved. Since I last posted things have been busy but since I can't be bothered going into detail I'll be brief.

My friend was kicked out of home and is now living with me. It took me a while to get used to never being alone but I like it now. She has issues as well so it's been interesting.

I've been rather self destructive the last few days, which is why Henry is so happy. I've been drinking everynight (which makes getting up for school or my sisters concerts a little difficult lol) I went camping where I got shit faced, high and lost my virginity to a guy I just met (and almost fucked some other guy but he was nervous/high and couldnt get it up).

I haven't been cutting funnily enough but I'm going to change that....right now.

Hope you're well. Bye.