I feel like something bad is coming. Something bad is going to happen soon I can just tell. One of us will fall and the other three will come tumbling after.
My group of friends are kind of crazy. Most of us are depressed but three of my closest friends (and me) are higher up on the list of crazy and/or depressed than most of the others. This is important for you to know for the concept I'm trying to get across.
One wall by itself isn't very strong but four walls almost make a house. All the walls are crumbling under the pressure of having to stay upright though and it's only a matter of time before one of them cracks and when the first wall cracks the other three will lose their support and they wont be able to stay up anymore either. I feel like all the walls are getting so weak now and it's a race against time as to when it will happen. I don't want to be the first to fall.
I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something. I'm supposed to save them somehow because I can see what others can't. I feel like I have all the information in my head to fix all the bad things around me but everything is in the wrong order and upside down and right to left and I can't breathe anymore. My brain is like a massive puzzle and I just can't seem to put it back together. I used to be the one to save them. To tell the grownups when it had gone too far but we're supposed to be the grownups now.
I was thinking the other day about how easy it is to rationalise things in my head and how scary that makes the world. I can rationalise killing someone with enough thought. I can easily rationalise killing myself. But if I can what's to stop other people. What if I just leave my house and somebody kills me because they thought that I should die. That's the end for me. No more thought, no more feelings. Mostly that sounds like a blessing but the idea of not existing anymore is fucking terryfying, how could I ever have no sense of self.
Sorry for this epically long rant that might not make sense. Wish me luck for my SAC in 7 hours lol =S
Good luck! You'll do well. Stay strong, and this is when y'all really need to lean on each other for support. If worst comes to worst, it isn't a sign of weakness to talk to your parents or someone else for advice or help.
ReplyDeleteThank you =] My parents are a little useless. So are my teachers. They don't understand what I'm trying to get across. To their defence though I don't always make sense.
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