Henry Says: Get a hold of yourself

For some unknown reason I'm so scared. I can't calm down, can't sit still. I think something really bad is going to happen. What if someone dies? But nothing bad will happen. Everything will be fine. The sun will come up tomorrow. The spiders will not lay eggs in my stomach. My friends will not kill themselves. No one will be murdered. No one is watching me.

Everything has gotten out of control and no one else seems to see it. Time keeps speeding up and all of a sudden it 3 hours later than I thought it was. Where did my three hours go?

I can't concentrate. My only refuge is the gym. Don't think just run. No need for smiles or lies. Don't look at the other people. They can't see you. You're invisible. I didn't binge today =] I was about to because I thought I was hungry but Henry informed me that I wasn't so I just ate a little bit. Enough to keep me going in the gym tomorrow morning.

It's hard to explain how my brain is working at the moment. The basic normal part is being normal. Like a mask on my brain no one can see the chaos inside. It's spinning and I want to get off.

Henry Says: It's coming

I feel like something bad is coming. Something bad is going to happen soon I can just tell. One of us will fall and the other three will come tumbling after.

My group of friends are kind of crazy. Most of us are depressed but three of my closest friends (and me) are higher up on the list of crazy and/or depressed than most of the others. This is important for you to know for the concept I'm trying to get across.

One wall by itself isn't very strong but four walls almost make a house. All the walls are crumbling under the pressure of having to stay upright though and it's only a matter of time before one of them cracks and when the first wall cracks the other three will lose their support and they wont be able to stay up anymore either. I feel like all the walls are getting so weak now and it's a race against time as to when it will happen. I don't want to be the first to fall.

I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something. I'm supposed to save them somehow because I can see what others can't. I feel like I have all the information in my head to fix all the bad things around me but everything is in the wrong order and upside down and right to left and I can't breathe anymore. My brain is like a massive puzzle and I just can't seem to put it back together. I used to be the one to save them. To tell the grownups when it had gone too far but we're supposed to be the grownups now.

I was thinking the other day about how easy it is to rationalise things in my head and how scary that makes the world. I can rationalise killing someone with enough thought. I can easily rationalise killing myself. But if I can what's to stop other people. What if I just leave my house and somebody kills me because they thought that I should die. That's the end for me. No more thought, no more feelings. Mostly that sounds like a blessing but the idea of not existing anymore is fucking terryfying, how could I ever have no sense of self.

Sorry for this epically long rant that might not make sense. Wish me luck for my SAC in 7 hours lol =S

Henry Says: You're fat

I haven't posted in ages. Unfortunately I have nothing of interest to say.
I joined a gym. I've been for an hour for the last three days. I want to go longer but I don't want people looking at me. I was dieting but I just ruined it with Indian food. Damn them and there delicious food lol. Alwell I'll start fresh and be better.

I need to do so much better.

Henry Says: You're Afraid

The most terrifying thing about looking for monsters under your bed is the possibility that one will be there. Fear follows me like a shadow. I am always afraid. Of spiders and the dark. That people don't need me. That life will lose the tiny bits of meaning that keep me here and that the world will no longer want me here.
When you're looking for something that frightens you you don't usually expect it to actually be there. You check the corners for spiders, under the bed for monsters and turn the light on when you hear a noise. It's not really because you think something is there but to reassure yourself that it was nothing, that the night makes noises.
But what if we turned on the light and there was someone there? What if there really was a monster when we check under the bed. Why check at all when the possibility of something being there is worse than the thought of it.

In reality, there can be a spider in my house as long as I can't see it.

Henry Says: You're Inadequate.

Henry has been horrible lately. He used to be my friend but for a few weeks he has done everything in his power to hurt me, to make me better. He tells me the truth when no one else will. He tells me when people hate me. He tells me when I've done the wrong thing. It's not his fault that he has to talk so much. He has to tell me because no one else will.

I don't understand all the things I'm supposed to. I was always told I had Potential and then, after a few years, I was told that I was wasting this Potential. Like I was doing it on purpose. That I had somehow found this mythical, capital lettered Potential and was dilly-dallying it out for my own unknown purposes.

I can't concentrate. None of my friends need me anymore. No one needs me. All those years of telling myself that I can't kill myself because people need me are almost over. I might be free soon. I don't see why it should matter to me anyway but it does. I mean if you look at it properly, I only need to deal with the guilt until I'm dead. Then nothing will matter anymore.