Henry Says: Why would you think otherwise?

I'm a bit of a mess right now. The most frustrating thing about it is that it's over something I've known for awhile but which has apparently just hit me.

In year 7 I made a friend. A massive step for me, especially back then. Anyways, this friend was like me, anxious, depressed and with a few self harm tendancies thrown in. We became close very quickly and I soon discovered that she was a big sharer (which still baffles me to this day) and loved to talk about her problems and such. She poured her soul into me and relunctantly (because I hadn't learnt better) I confided in her too.

Last year, in year 11, she had several boyfriend dramas, which I did my best to help her with, that all became too much and she overdosed at school (I think I talked about it in an earlier blog). I looked after her until the teachers took her away, I answered their questions and continued to go to school while everyone looked at me and knew what had happened. This was not easy, I did not cope well, but I was happy to suffer it because finally she was getting help. Then she got out, got a new boyfriend who she promised me would not be put ahead of our friendship like all the boyfriends before. Slowly she drifted away and no matter how hard I tried to reach out she was too busy. Now she's getting happy, which I'm really glad about, and I know it's selfish but I always thought that she would be there for me too.

I know this is all very whiney and selfish but I just feel so abandoned and stupid for expecting her to still care about me. It had always been about her and I'd deliberately kept it that way so why should I feel so awful that what I wanted has come true. She says she still cares and loves me but when I need a friend (whether I'll admit it or not) she isn't one of the people that reaches out to me, ever.

I have friends, beautiful amazing people who say they'll never abandon me, but so did she. I'm so scared that now that they're getting help for their issues they'll get better and not need me and leave.

How awful is that?!